No good, huh?

Okay! I have another one!

There once was a penguin who walked into a bar. "Hey can you get me a beer?" he asked.

"Holy cow!" said the bartender. "It's a talking penguin! What are you doing here so far from a winter island?"

The penguin sighed, "Yes, yes, I work at the construction site down the street and yours was the closest bar to it. So can I get an ice cold one or not?"

The bartender gave him one and kept talking to the bird and when the penguin went to pay his bill, the bartender said, "No no, tonight's on me, you're too amazing to pay."

"Well, thank you very much!" the penguin grinned, "I'll definitely come back here a lot!"

So over the next three months while the job was going on, the penguin kept returning to buy beers from his friend.

After awhile though a traveling circus passed through town. The ringleader was all dressed up and fancy and ordered a beer. He told the bartender all about his circus act and the things they had but the bartender said, "That's nothing. We get a talking penguin in here every night!"

"Really?" The ringleader was impressed. "What's he doing so far from a winter island?"

"He works at the construction site down the street, but it's finishing up soon."

"You think he'd be willing to take a job with me?" the Ringleader asked.

"I don't know, why don't you ask him. Here he comes now," the Bartender gestured. All the regulars greeted the penguin and he took his usual seat at the bar. "Hey Lou," he said to the bartender, "Can I get an ice cold one?" "Sure thing!" replied the bartender.

"Holy cow, you're a talking penguin!" the ringleader was astonished.

"Sure am," the penguin drank his beer.

"Please you must come work for me!"

The penguin tilted his head, "What's the job?"

The Ringleader explained all about the circus and the elephants and the tigers and lions that jump through fire, the acrobats, and traveling the world. "So do you think you'll do it?"

"Sorry," the penguin apologized, "That sounds really amazing and all, but I'm a drywall man."

[Come on guys! He even got Rei to laugh! Though he was also tiny at the time and that worked in his favor hugely.]

Penguins swim instead. They're neat!

And aye, well the train conductors are generally world government employees so they tend to be jerks. [... That answer.]

All right, let's try this joke and if it fails, we'll just have to move onto situational humor or improv.

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "What happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."